Torn.

It's possible for your heart to metaphorically live in many different places. 

I've always known that. 

Ever since my first nephew came into this world a large part of me has lived wherever his little feet pattered against the hardwood floors. He has been followed by four more nephews and a niece. Include in that list a sister, a brother, another brother and sister by their marriages, and my parents that still live in my childhood home in Florida... 

That's a lot of places for my little heart to dwell.

I knew it was possible.

I haven't written a blog since I returned from England because the truth is...

 not being there hurts and the thought of writing about it hurts. 

I need to say that again. 

Not being there just hurts. 

It hurts in the best ways possible though. My friend Shayne says, 

"You have to love big to cry big!" 

That's how I feel about this kind of hurt. I loved there BIG. I cry for there BIG. The thought of writing about it has been so daunting for fear of the kind of emotion it would undoubtedly bring to the surface. Even as I write this now I find my eyes watering and slightly stinging from the days mascara.

Please, I beg of you not to misunderstand, I am THRILLED to be home. I love my life here in Richmond. It is wonderful in ways that are beyond blessing. Being back feels like slipping into your favorite pair of pajamas and snuggling under your big, fluffy duvet! 

It's my home. 

BUT...

I changed over there, you guys. 

I changed big time, in big and awesome ways, and knowing that makes me ache for being there in ways I didn't know it was possible to ache. It takes the whole metaphor of your heart living in many different places from just a metaphor and a feeling to a true reality. 

It defines feeling TORN.

I believe in "seasons" in our lives and how the changes that result from them can significantly alter the fundamental core of who we are. So much can change; our physical self, our mental self, our emotional self, our spiritual self... All the 'selfs' are affected and changed as a direct result of the shift between the winters and springs or the summers and falls that we experience. 

In my short 39 years on this big, blue ball hanging so delicately in our universe I have lived through MANY seasons. Some so wonderful I have felt like a braggart just sharing them with people that cared about and loved me. Some so painful that I couldn't share them with anyone outside of my immediate family, and even when I did it was in ways that didn't bring out the best sides of me and often caused others great pain. 

Pain I am not proud of having caused. 

Seasons. Beautiful and yet destructive at times.

Seasons. Unpleasant and yet important.

Seasons. Painful and yet welcomed.
Seasons. Life-altering and completely necessary.

My time in Oxford was an amazing season. 

Packing up your life into a storage unit and boarding a plane to a new adventure in a new place and a new time is a brilliant thing to do. I encourage everyone that is able... Go. Do. 

I'm writing this blog, but the truth is I don't really even know fully how to explain all the ways I have been changed. They are too numerous to name. 

I DO know this...

THIS much I can share... 

Contentment and gratitude are abundant now. They weren't always before.

Self preservation and reduced stress is vital for me now. It never was before. 

I was drowning before.

Breathing through the hard stuff seems somewhat easier. It's incredible how driving through the Scottish highlands with your windows down, breathing in the dampness of the earth and the scent of water vapor as it rises to join another cloud, listening to the silence that speaks volumes,  can so perfectly crystalize the things that are important vs. those that aren't. 

Wanderlust for the world and it's people and cultures and colors is imperative now. I lived in a tiny United Nations for six months. I am sure people that live in Oxford permanently can take it for granted. I didn't and I never will. Walking into City Center and hearing every language and accent on the globe, seeing every skin color God ever painted, becoming familiar with cultures and customs so foreign to me before... it changes you. It gets under your skin in the best way possible. It ties you to the rest of that big, blue ball hanging so delicately in our universe. OUR universe. 

A universe created for ALL of us to share. 

And finally, I'll share this simple thing.
My family means everything to me. We have issues, you guys. Trust me.
Name a family that doesn't, but man, without them I would be nowhere. 

I wouldn't have a clue what love means. 

The gratitude I have for my time abroad will never fade. 

An indelible mark has been placed on my heart. 

I am forever torn. 

It's so good though.